I am afraid of the unkown. I am afraid of the unknown. My life is about to be turned upside down and shaken. I am about to re-enter the school world full steam ahead. I don't know how any of this is going to turn out, and I don't like it one bit. This could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. It could lead me places I can only imagine about right now.... but it could also blow up in my face. I would rather know for sure that it was going to be the worst experience of my life, than live day to day not knowing until the end. Crazy? Maybe. I'm trying to step out on faith. I'm trying to tell myself that God puts me exactly where I need to be and that He is in control of all of this. This is His plan, His timing, His will. But.... what if it's not?

A place of my own

I've always enjoyed writing... I'm not exactly sure why though. Perhaps it's because I can thoughtfully prepare what I want to say before I actually say it and if I decide I don't want to say it, I can always backspace and it's gone. I've done the blogging thing before. I did it for years actually. This is my comeback blog. My mind is constantly going about one thing or another, and I need an outlet or I'm going to explode. This blog will consist of the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am real, these emotions are real, this blog is real.

Here lately, I've had people concerned that I am pulling away from God. I am not. I am frustrated, though... I won't lie. I am under a tremendous amount of stress that doesn't seem to get any better. The situation with my mother is getting worse and worse. I'm constantly dreading the moment she will call because I never know what mood she will be in. These past several months she has made my life a living hell.... then wonders why I want nothing to do with her. I feel under pressure to make things right with her from others and from myself. But, why would I constantly want to put myself in a situation where I get slapped in the face over and over? That's just it, I don't want to, but I feel the pressure to... because it's the "right" thing to do. But, at the same time, what if it's NOT the right thing to do, at least not right now? That's what I'm trying to make myself realize, and make others understand. It's just a very weird and odd situation. I've got to do what's best for me though and leave other people out of the equation.

But, me and God.... I think we got this.